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The Stand on the Scales and Lose Weight Diet

The Stand on the Scales and Lose Weight Diet
Pat Dickson - Thu Jul 19, 2012 @ 07:48AM
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I am not a doctor. I am a lawyer, so anything I tell you I do with respect to my personal health or fitness is not medical advice or even the slightest recommendation you do as I do. Richard Simmons or Arnold Schwarzenegger are better sources.

What I tell you I do - if you try It - may kill you, harm you, maim you, disfigure you, or damage your well being.

By following my health and fitness example, you may or will or shall suffer trauma of various and sundry and multifaceted kind. The damage may or shall be temporary or permanent. It may or shall be physical, emotional, spiritual, chemical, or all of the various and previously stated types.

Said symptoms and results of doing as I do may or shall be experienced singularly, all together, all at once, and may involve vacillations, combinations and permutations. It may be painful or agonizing and last anywhere from seconds to forever. It may involve dementia. Bleeding and convulsions may occur.

In fact, you should always do three things whenever you read my health or fitness advice.

  • Never follow it, ever
  • Always know that what I'm saying is satire, even if I'm telling you exactly what I do and it works for me
  • Always talk to your doctor before doing as I do

What is the Stand on the Scales and Lose Weight Diet?

The stand on your scales and lose weight diet is not about balance. It is an extreme measure I take whenever I go through periods of gorging, a.k.a. "eating modern American style," and thereby gaining 20 lbs either after having a crazy hungry month or having been on a business trip for a month and having gone wild.

Stand on the Scales and Lose Weight!I feel fat, to put it minimally. I'm teetering on collapsing into serious depression. None of my JoS.A.Bank wool dress pants will button around my swollen belly and I refuse to go buy the next largest size. There is only one thing to do. Only one thing will work! Yes, you've got it!
 

The Stand on the Scales and Lose Weight Diet!

  1. Stand on the scales every morning. Note your weight
  2. Set a weight loss goal
  3. Spend 30 minutes on the treadmill
  4. Lift weights for 1 hour
  5. Immediately eat a Filiberto's Steak, Egg, and Cheese Burrito
  6. Eat nothing else but plain raw fruit and vegetables the rest of the day
  7. Walk 5 miles around the neighborhood before going to bed
  8. Stand on the scales every morning. Note your weight. If doing Steps 1-7 hasn't resulted in your being lighter than you were the morning before, cut out the fruit in Step 6. If cutting out the fruit fails, start cutting back on the Filiberto's Steak, Egg, and Cheese Burrito, 10% at a time, until you start losing weight

There you have it! That is what I do and it never fails me! Don't try it. The Stand on the Scales and Lose Weight Diet is something you should never do! Let it kill me! Go try that eat six meals per day diet (How in the world that works, I have no idea. But doesn't it seem absurd eating six times per day helps you lose weight?), or the Paleo Diet, or the Grapefruit Diet, or whatever. Who knows? Please go ask your doctor what is best. Don't listen to me or try this at home!

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